Prom? No thanks.

Disclaimer: No, I don't really think that all proms are like this. 

This is - very specifically - following the life of a grotesquely wealthy and superficial girl whose life dream is to become Prom Queen. 

Chances are that you know nobody like this, but if you do... I'm really, really sorry.

So, tonight is that magical night that everybody has been talking about for months. The red carpet and balloons, high-heeled sandals and limousines, boys bringing you flowers, $1,000 dresses, professionally-done hair and makeup...

Above: An ecstatic girl with a skimpy dress, dyed and highlighted hair and a spray tan coaxes her companion to dance.

(Actually, it was last night, but I procrastinated on this blog. But I'm too lazy to change the picture, as you can see from that girl's obviously deformed leg.)

I didn't go. Obviously. Because I'm anti-social and bitter.

Above: Emma questions why you should bother going to Prom.

You see, to me, Prom is just another dance. (I don't attend regular dances either, in case you were wondering.) Apparently, though, others do not necessarily feel the same way. They spend their parents' money on the most expensive limo possible, the most expensive dress ever, the most expensive shoes ever, the most expensive tan ever, the most expensive haircut ever, and the most expensive suit ever; because if you're really dedicated to Prom Night being the BEST NIGHT EVER, you have to pay for your male companion's finery. What if you don't match?! Surely such a travesty in fashion would set your social life back thirty years!

And what if you don't become Prom Queen with all of your hard-earned adornments? Well, it's okay. One of the numerous after-parties can take your mind off of your failure to become a substantial and important female member of society.

So, today, I'll have Sophie Social take you through her preparation for Prom.

Above: Sophie Social, the guide who will teach you how to prepare for Prom.

Now, as we all know, we need a lot of things before Prom. But to buy a lot of things, we need a lot of money. Now, where does money come from?

Above: Sophie Social asks Daddy Dearest for some of the green stuff.

That's right! Money comes from your parents. It's used to buy things! It's also green. Money is generally a Very Good Thing, and is most commonly used to purchase bread, pay taxes, and buy extremely expensive couture clothing.

Now what you have to do is get yourself a limousine. If you don't show up to Prom in a limousine, you might as well show up packed into Uncle Ted's shitty pickup truck with your fifty inbred cousins.

"...expensive?"

In this case, Sophie wants the most expensive limo she can get. She needs to book it months - no, if possible, years - in advance. Hell, if she can, she will have the interior outfitted with genuine zebra pelt upholstery and ride to Prom with Lady GaGa and Katy Perry in tow, drinking carbonated lemonade imported from Seychelles out of diamond-studded glasses.

She settles on an extremely expensive black model with lion fur seats and cushions stuffed with peacock feathers. No expense is too great to insure that her behind is comfortable and needlessly exotic. 

Sophie books this limousine at the end of September of her Junior year - she needs to be ready for Prom when she's a senior, and nothing is going to keep her from her dreams of being Prom Queen.

Flash forward a year and a half. Prom is coming. It's coming fast. 

Above: Sophie Social is distressed by her current lack of a prom dress.

Sophie needs a dress and shoes. What will she do? The suspense is almost tangible.

Now, for Prom, here are the rules about dress code -

• You must have the dress in your Favorite Color Ever.
• You must have the dress cut to show as much cleavage as possible.
• The shoes must be high-heeled sandals of some sort.
• Your boyfriend's suit must match your dress or he doesn't really love you.
• Flowers. Flowers everywhere.

Sophie will opt to buy a nice dress that isn't too over the top and shoes that compliment her lovely legs, strong from years of cheerleading.

Just kidding, she'll design this and then have it personally tailored.

Above: The perfect dress.

This dress is modest - Sophie Social had it created specifically to avoid showing her knees because that would be improper. However, forgoing conventional "Prom style", she has also decided that a floor-length dress is not necessary. How would she move around in it? When would she ever use it again? However, because she has little to no chest to speak of, she's had the low neckline brought down lower than her father would usually allow, which is perfectly fine and even encouraged by Prom standards. Either way, it is the perfect dress - everything is pink and froofy.

Next, she needs custom-made shoes to go with her fabulous dress.

Now, as we all know, if you don't end prom with a pair of raised sandals of some sort (they must be at least peep-toe, no exceptions), then you have completely failed your duty as a female teenage member of society. You'll be an outcast, a pariah in the college system (assuming you go to college). People won't invite you to their dorm to smoke a bowl. You won't get into a sorority. You'll be the person on the floor who the bank robber shoots first to make an example for the other hostages. Do you understand? Your entire life will be in jeopardy if you don't buy platform, toe-showing sandals.

Above: The perfect shoes sit perfectly on the floor.

 Sophie Social, however, is always two steps, a leap and a wave of the pom-pom ahead of the game. She's been waiting for her personal shoemaker to finish these sandals for almost a month now, and now she's ready. Life is just generally good.

Now, for Prom, you must be ridiculously tan. Even if you've never seen a beach in your life, your skin must be orange. Also, you must be blonder than you've ever been. Even your highlights must have highlights. If you're not orange and yellow at Prom, you've failed society.

See? Even your dog hates you.

Not to worry! Sophie Social has a quick picture guide to show you the rest of the things you must do in order to be relevant at Prom! Below, you'll see her transformation from a moderately attractive caterpillar to Prom Queen material in just six easy steps!

See? Even someone stunningly popular/attractive like Sophie can be prettier with enough cosmetics. Think about what it could do for you!

Disclaimer: We cannot guarantee that you will look significantly more attractive if you use cosmetics.

Now, Sophie's date for Prom was selected a few days into kindergarten. His name is Maxamillion Aire II, and he is the son of her father's favorite business partner, Maxamillion Aire I. He is suave, attractive, and extremely apathetic to the entire ordeal, but Sophie will be happy as long as he brings her flowers and pretends to be interested in her for a good portion of the night.

Above: Maxamillion Aire I is conveniently also a jock, which makes him a great fashion accessory.

After ensuring herself a date to Prom nineteen years in advance, Sophie figured out an outfit that would match her dress. Due to Maxamillion I's apathy, we're not certain if he enjoys the finery, but Sophie insists that he does.

Above: I'm not so sure, but if he's happy with it...

He asks her to prom much in the same way that a Blue Angel would. Actually, to be more specific, he hires the Blue Angels to ask her to Prom. To be even more specific, this is because she asked him to ask her this way. Of course, Sophie Social is footing the bill, but it doesn't matter as long as her friends think that she's adored. She may even reject him at first so she doesn't seem easily won over.

"I'll think about it."

 Eventually, however, Sophie Social will "cave". Quite possibly the day before Prom - late enough that it comes as a surprise, but early enough that people will be ogling she and her date when they get to the event the following night.

  

Now, as I said before, I didn't actually attend Prom and I've never before managed to stay amidst people for more than thirty minutes during an actual social event of large proportions, but I assume that it goes something like this--

However, it's not completely easy - you have to make sure everything accompanying you to Prom matches you in some way.

She made him get a matching spray tan. Hardcore.

Apparently, the point of Prom is to bring people together for one last big event before they leave for college, but I think it's nonsense. Why should it be so big and spectacular? There's nothing personal in that. You don't have to pay to see your friends - you can go shopping together, take a walk in the park, amble through the library, get a coffee, whatever. The secret to making long-lasting friends isn't Prom, it's keeping up a solid relationship with them over time for all of those years; from the people who have grown up with their classmates to the people who joined a few years ago and never really assimilated.

You're paying for an experience that you could really outdo any day with a little planning and some nice weather, so why bother?

Then again, what do I know? I'm just a bitter anti-socialite. Maybe the true way to friendship is through sweet kicks, a good DJ and forcing the guys to match your outfit. If treating a boy like an accessory will strengthen your relationship, maybe that's why I can't get a boyfriend for the life of me, but oh well.