Naive Children

Disclaimer: Any and all drawings bearing resemblance to real people are purely coincidenta-- nah jk they're on purpose. ;D

Children are cutest when they're young and naive, right? The picture of innocence, completely untouched by the terrors and pollution of human nature. Lust, sloth, envy-- none of these even cross the mind of a young child.

This naivete makes them adorable to us because they don't know exactly what everything is. Back in the time of Mighty Putty commercials, my sister thought that Silly Putty could stick things to the wall forever.

Aged down for giggles.

Of course, this was flawed logic - the two products didn't even use the same adjective! - but it was cute either way. This has led me to wonder if there are any children out there who can't help but to take everything seriously - would it be torture or would it make every day an adventure?

Let's find out.

Meet Bao.

 

NOTE: Bao is a fabricated person.

(For the record, that is a small child wearing a panda sweatshirt, not a panda sweatshirt eating a small child.)

Meet Bao's... parents? Guardians? Somethings.

Meet Bao's somethings.

NOTE: Jacqueline and Michael are not fabricated people. Just... really badly drawn.

...that was just some long-overdue stuff right there. Anyway, kids who are cute.

I will now proceed to tell you the story of Bao, a child with an overactive imagination and a far too trusting mind.

Today... is Bao's 9th birthday.

What could possibly have taken Bao's interest like that after that lovely shirt?

I'll tell you what.

Actually, I'll show you.

Oh, Pillow Pets. Everybody remembers them; they had a brief aggressive marketing campaign on all channels aiming content at children and they managed to stick in the minds of every child under 10 to this day.

Bao, although far smarter and cuter than the average child, is not immune to this marketing. He/she/it is actually--

Wait, Bao, are you a girl or a boy??

Oh, well. It doesn't matter. Cute and androgynous works.

Anyway, Bao is an impressionable nine-year-old. He/she/it/(gender-neutral pronoun) watches television, and therefore is influenced by it. Not very often because he/she/it/(gender-neutral pronoun) has to do homework and doesn't really enjoy the programs, but he/she/it/(gender-neutral pronoun) likes the commercials. They're loud and colorful and pretty, and that's all that matters to him/her/it/(gender-neutral pronoun). Because of this, Bao is fairly certain that a Pillow Pet is a pillow and a pet in one.

No, really.

"Here comes the choo-choo train~!"

Bao is allergic to most domestic animals (excluding lizards and snakes, but they're scary), but this Pillow Pet does not shed or make messes.

It's the perfect pet.

Bao takes Sparky for walks every day to make sure that she stretches her legs.

("Sparky is definitely a girl," Bao declared a few days after receiving the gift, "I checked.")

Unfortunately, Sparky has no muscular or skeletal system with which to keep pace. Due to this, her chenille coat is often dusted with dirt and mud from long walks in the neighborhood.

A true trooper, Sparky never stops smiling despite the abuse.

(Luckily, Bao's mom knows that Pillow Pets are machine-washable, and often takes Sparky for "days at the pet salon", during which time Bao actually interacts with other human beings.)

Bao's best trait is also what blocks him/her/it from "chilling with the homies" - his/her/it's imagination.

 

Sparky, for example, looks like the above picture on a good day. She is usually covered in mud and dust from long walks with Bao, is missing an eye ever since the doberman incident of March 5th, and is a little raggedy around the edges.

Bao, of course, sees around this.

I'll now have an occasional segment detailing...



The Adventures of Sparky and Bao!

And, of course, the magic chopsticks.

See you next time!

Extra:

This version of Michael is far more accurate.

My Heart Will Go On...!

...even if that song is terrible.

Some things happened. My heart got beat up by this little bastard.

Ignore the face; this one's a killer.

Essentially, it's like this - I've been taking Adderall for about three years ever since Focalin stopped working for me. Adderall and I are great pals - I use him when I'm studying for exams and when I need to focus during a test, when I'm working on a project, or if I'm going for a walk and I want to actually remember it when I'm done.

I do legitimately have ADHD, I'm not some substance-abuser who gets high off of amphetamine. I need it to process information like a normal human being; and even then, my failure to develop social skills as a child makes that difficult.

Anyway, this is basically how ADHD medication has been in my life so far:

Adderall: What a charmer.

Basically, here's how it is:

When I was thirteen twelve, I had my first love was diagnosed with ADHD. No, not the made up "lololol i'm so hyper i like pie i just had coffee and now imma 'splode lol i have adhd be nice" kind of ADHD that 50% of the internet claims to have, or the fake ADHD that people have when they start rambling in a sentence and their idea gets away from them and they go "Man, I'm so ADD right now". Actual attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, the kind that gives me restless leg syndrome and a mind that moves too fast to keep pace with a normal conversation.

Regardless, I was first prescribed Focalin when I was about twelve. I took that for a while, and it worked at first - clearer mind, easier to focus - but then it started getting weird. It slowly started becoming less effective, to the point where I actually becoming tired from taking my medication in the morning. I was prescribed something a bit more effective.

Adderall has worked for me since the day that I got it. When I started taking it, my grades shot up - I could focus, I could hear what my teacher was saying without falling asleep, I felt more energetic than I had in years. It worked wonders, and it still does. Adderall is the only medication that hasn't failed me once. However, because I've taken to conserving it for special occasions (tests, major study sessions, exams), I haven't been using it much lately. My mom didn't know this, so she was under the impression that my medication wasn't working anymore - without telling me, she went to get a new type of medication for me.

Vyvanse. This tiny little bugger has had it in for me from day one. Not only does it make my brain less clear (taking away my ability to process words and numbers completely), it also decided to be the first combination of amphetamine and other random shit to completely throw my heart out of whack.

Instead of giving you even more in a big block of test, here's a few panels that pretty much speak for themselves:

...and then I ran to the nurse's office. It was impossible to breathe, but whatever. I just wanted to get some Advil or whatever it is that you take when your heart is getting beaten up by a tiny pill and then go back to class, but the nurse wouldn't have it. She had my dad pick me up and take me to the hospital for an EKG.

Sad face.

Okay, so I have all of these hideous, deforming scars on my legs and I'm overweight. And of course, for the EKG, I have to take my clothes off. It's the worst thing ever.

My life. Siiiigh.

Anyway, I'm alive, but my heart is being a bitch and Adderall and I are separated for a while. My mom wants to put me on Vyvanse for good, but I obviously have problems with that idea.

BLAH BLAH BLAH I should be studying for history, do I'll go do that now.

Keycards Take the Fun Out of Everything

There is a website called NationStates, inspired by the novel Jennifer Government by Max Barry. The premise is this - a nation that behaves however you want it to. If you want the whole country to be atheist, go for it. If you want the national currency to be shrunken heads, that's completely fine. You can do everything from becoming a nudist, anarchist state to a corporate police state complete with rottweilers.

This is one of my favorite websites to visit today - I have multiple pet projects going on there; a country that actually functions how I would have a country function, two ridiculously oppressive countries, and one country that is bordering on anarchy.

Why do I bring this up?

One of the early issues that you need to solve which effects your nation is about the movement of citizens and crime control. These options allow you to choose to install surveillance cameras in public places, a complete absence of government intrusion and something akin to bar-coding all citizens with a tattoo on the back of their head.

At School B (my current school), we have keycards as a result of a nearby police shooting a few years ago - it's a preventative measure against break-ins. I'm completely a fan of this idea. I don't like getting shot.

I have a feeling that naturally, many people feel the same way. Keycards are super. Really. I love them so much I could just die from love right now.

...I'm being a little sarcastic right now, can you tell?

Anyway, I really don't have much of a problem with the old keycard system. We originally used the side with the bar-code to unlock the doors to the school and gain entry in the mornings. That was really smart. This way, only students and teachers could get in - parents would have to be buzzed in by whoever was at the front desk, and strange people would be turned away.

"But my mom says it brings out my eyes..."

Now, I'm not saying that this should be scrapped completely. It is a helpful device if there is nobody at the front desk or if you need something to scrape gum off of the bottom of a chair. Looking at students around me, though, there is basically nobody who brings her card to school. They're ugly. When I wear the lanyard, it irritates my neck. The plastic casing that protects the cards is flimsy. Keycards fall out and get lost. If we lose them, we're required to purchase new ones. They used to be free, but now they're five dollars and they have to be shipped here instead of printed in the library where they used to be available for free.

Why do for yourself what you can outsource for a little extra cash?

Satan REPRESENT!

It wouldn't be so bad if they hadn't made the stupid pieces of plastic mandatory to have on your person at all times. If you buy school lunch, you need it to get anything out of the cafeteria. The person at the front desk is forbidden from buzzing people in.

The person formerly in charge of buzzing people in is forbidden to grant entry to a freezing senior whose card was stolen.

Yes, the idea for this system is good. But when parents put in money for their children to access when buying cafeteria food and a child doesn't have her card, she shouldn't be punished for that. Administration seems to have caught wind of this fact, so now if you don't have a card, you have to write your name, the date and where you think your card is.

I decided to answer honestly.

This is how it went down.

I think that as long as the school is making money by selling lunches to these girls, they have no right to punish us for not having our cards. I mean, they can manually punch in the account in their computers, and they have to punch in our orders anyway, so what's the big deal?

If everybody who didn't bring a card with them boycotted the cafeteria, they would basically only make half of the profit. Combine that with their skyrocketing prices which people are already angry about and you have a very unhappy bunch of teenage girls.

Also, I haven't had a card since the first day of school and I'm still alive.

Take that.