Trials of a Cynical Procrastinator: Naive Children

Disclaimer: Any and all drawings bearing resemblance to real people are purely coincidenta-- nah jk they're on purpose. ;D

Children are cutest when they're young and naive, right? The picture of innocence, completely untouched by the terrors and pollution of human nature. Lust, sloth, envy-- none of these even cross the mind of a young child.

This naivete makes them adorable to us because they don't know exactly what everything is. Back in the time of Mighty Putty commercials, my sister thought that Silly Putty could stick things to the wall forever.

Aged down for giggles.

Of course, this was flawed logic - the two products didn't even use the same adjective! - but it was cute either way. This has led me to wonder if there are any children out there who can't help but to take everything seriously - would it be torture or would it make every day an adventure?

Let's find out.

Meet Bao.

NOTE: Bao is a fabricated person.

(For the record, that is a small child wearing a panda sweatshirt, not a panda sweatshirt eating a small child.)

Meet Bao's... parents? Guardians? Somethings.

Meet Bao's somethings.

NOTE: Jacqueline and Michael are not fabricated people. Just... really badly drawn.

...that was just some long-overdue stuff right there. Anyway, kids who are cute.

I will now proceed to tell you the story of Bao, a child with an overactive imagination and a far too trusting mind.

Today... is Bao's 9th birthday.

What could possibly have taken Bao's interest like that after that lovely shirt?

I'll tell you what.

Actually, I'll show you.

Oh, Pillow Pets. Everybody remembers them; they had a brief aggressive marketing campaign on all channels aiming content at children and they managed to stick in the minds of every child under 10 to this day.

Bao, although far smarter and cuter than the average child, is not immune to this marketing. He/she/it is actually--

Wait, Bao, are you a girl or a boy??

Oh, well. It doesn't matter. Cute and androgynous works.

Anyway, Bao is an impressionable nine-year-old. He/she/it/(gender-neutral pronoun) watches television, and therefore is influenced by it. Not very often because he/she/it/(gender-neutral pronoun) has to do homework and doesn't really enjoy the programs, but he/she/it/(gender-neutral pronoun) likes the commercials. They're loud and colorful and pretty, and that's all that matters to him/her/it/(gender-neutral pronoun). Because of this, Bao is fairly certain that a Pillow Pet is a pillow and a pet in one.

No, really.


"Here comes the choo-choo train~!"

Bao is allergic to most domestic animals (excluding lizards and snakes, but they're scary), but this Pillow Pet does not shed or make messes.

It's the perfect pet.

Bao takes Sparky for walks every day to make sure that she stretches her legs.

("Sparky is definitely a girl," Bao declared a few days after receiving the gift, "I checked.")

Unfortunately, Sparky has no muscular or skeletal system with which to keep pace. Due to this, her chenille coat is often dusted with dirt and mud from long walks in the neighborhood.

A true trooper, Sparky never stops smiling despite the abuse.

(Luckily, Bao's mom knows that Pillow Pets are machine-washable, and often takes Sparky for "days at the pet salon", during which time Bao actually interacts with other human beings.)

Bao's best trait is also what blocks him/her/it from "chilling with the homies" - his/her/it's imagination.

Sparky, for example, looks like the above picture on a good day. She is usually covered in mud and dust from long walks with Bao, is missing an eye ever since the doberman incident of March 5th, and is a little raggedy around the edges.

Bao, of course, sees around this.